Rocked by SUICIDE ~ my story of "that" night

December 16, 2008 - Tuesday

Rocked by SUICIDE ~ my story of "that" night

I sing in a Christian rock band called Lest We Boast from Hamilton, Ohio. My name is Pam DeWitt. I am a Christian wife, mother, and volunteer. I love God with all my heart. It is only because of Him that I live. This is my story of suicide and how it has affected me.

After a 35 year old gentleman, Eddie (friend of my husband) that was staying with my family HUNG himself in our son's bedroom on 12/3/07, I found myself stuck in a little "rut" so to speak. He hung there dead, for approximately 14 hours before the coroner removed his body to the morgue. We were none the wiser, yet...

The kids and I were home, living, loving, and being "normal" for about 6 hours before I discovered his lifeless body, with the sheet over the closet door and his discolored, lifeless face. Thank GOD that he had not gotten any mail that day because my kids would have found him as they took the mail into his room. Talk about God protecting them from seeing him that way!

I also have to think about this...my husband was at work until 11:30pm, so what if Eddie wanted to go on a murderous killing spree before taking his own life? He easily could have killed me and my two children before himself. I mean, if he was in "that" kind of mindset anyway, who's to say? I look back and give God the thanks for His almighty protection over me and my children that night.

Needless to say, I was shocked to find him hanging there in the dark. Until that moment, the only time I'd seen a dead body was lying in a casket, not draped from a bed sheet strung over my closet door. It was quite unexpected. He was over 6' tall, so it was overwhelming to see, and I think for the first time in my life I was in actual shock. I really still to this day don't know HOW he even was able to do it, as you could easily touch the ceiling in there anyway. I didn't stand there and try to figure it out though, I just ran like I had never ran before. Ran outside. Stood there trying to think. Just waiting for anyone to tell me it wasn't for real.

We had been asleep when our boxer dogs woke me up, barking and going wild at someone outside in my yard, crying and screaming. I went out the front door to see what was going on, but could not see anyone. Having an uneasy feeling, I decided to go get him (Eddie), and ask him to go outside to "check it out" and see where the screaming was coming from.

The bedroom doorknob was turning, but the door was not opening. I called out for him and assumed he was sleeping since I got no reply. I forced the door open with my shoulder, only to see a butter knife fall from the door frame. He had jammed it there (I think) to keep anyone from entering the bedroom. Who knows. Anyway, I called his name in the darkness and walked towards the bed only to find it empty. As I turned to leave the room, there he was. The door seemed a million miles away at that moment. My feet felt like they were cemented to the floor, but my mind had already ran to California! I took off running after it finally SANK in that what I was seeing was indeed "REAL". I still heard a woman outside crying and screaming and my dogs were still barking and running from window to window. That was probably the FIRST time in 10 years that I had not even thought about my kids, honestly. It wasn't until I was outside, that I ran back in and up the steps to check on them. Whew, they were sound asleep, and still breathing. Breathing, thank God!

I ran back outside, and found that the "woman" had come around to my front porch now. It was Eddie's ex-girlfriend of 14 years (who he had recently broken up with). She had climbed into the bedroom window and found him dead before I did. She went absolutely nuts causing my dogs to go crazy.

SIGH.

Eddie had worked with my husband at one point, and we'd known him for 6 years. He had lived with us for almost 9 months as we were trying to help him out, get him off pot and focused towards his future, etc. I thought things were going great. Guess I thought wrong. I couldn't stop running things through my head, even as the coroner took him out in a slumped body bag.

It seemed like FOREVER until my husband made it home from work. I had called him at work to tell him as the police cars were pulling up to my house. Lights on, no sirens I remember. I suddenly met about 20 neighbors I had never even talked to before, as people gathered like a crowd at a rock concert in my front yard.

With Amanda (ex-girlfriend) still freaking out, the cops didn't know who to talk to first. It was all a blur. It was all UNREAL. My 1st house. My first witnessed suicide, in my 1st house. I wanted to move the next day and sell the house. I wanted to go to a hotel with my husband and kids that night. I just wanted to scream or cry, or something.

Cops asked me to secure my dogs. I tried, but they still barked, this time at the cops, lol. I had to take them outside to my van so the cops could walk-thru my house. They posted two cops at the bedroom door and window until the detectives arrived. They were NOT allowed to leave for any reason (to secure the crime scene). Certainly, they didn't think that we had anything to do with his death! All I could think about was Eddie still hanging in there. I could NOT get that image out of my mind. I was sick to my stomach. It took 2 1/2 hours for the detectives to arrive from this point. Luckily, my husband was home now, and we just held each other. I didn't cry yet. Shock will do that to a person I've since learned. All I could think about was trying not to shake so much, and remembering to breathe. Oh yeah, and trying to remember the answers to the questions everyone was drilling me with left and right. My brain was so numb. It was hard to think. All I could still think about was Eddie hanging in there, in my son's bedroom that he had let him use.

Thank God the detectives FINALLY came. Oh. Another "wait" now for the coroner? "How long would that be?" I asked one of the detectives. No answer. I was soooo sick to my stomach. Thank God my husband was more together than me. At least he kept going upstairs to check on the kids, making sure they didn't wake up to our "middle-of-the-night" tragedy and house guests.

2 more hours passed. I assumed the van pulling up was the coroner, and it was. They came outside to my van, where I was sitting, to tell me that Eddie WAS deceased. "Thank you" was all I could say, until they started to walk back into the house. I finally felt my mind starting to work a bit as what they just told me rang true. I mustered up a few pertinent questions for them as I summoned them back to my van. I remember my first question being WHY?! I don't know why I asked THEM. Afterall, they didn't even know Eddie. You can guess what their answer was. Still the same answer today as then, I DON'T KNOW WHY.

We found the last photo Eddie drew on top of my son's dresser. It was of the grim reaper. I wonder what he was thinking just before he decided to commit suicide? I wonder if he was scared or nervous at all. I wonder a lot of things, still to this day. Wonder if I should have shackled him and made him go to church. Wonder why he didn't come to my husband and I to just tell us he was depressed, scared, lonely, or WHATEVER! I wonder if he even took one second to think what my innocent little kids would do the next day, without "uncle Eddie" as they called him. I wonder if our help was enough, or anything at all. I wonder why God allowed that to happen in my house. Why did I have to be the one to see it, discover him there?! I wonder. Sigh :(

I smelled DEATH for 7 days after this happened. I cannot explain to anyone what "it" smells like, but unfortunately, I know it now. It was in my nose, my mind, on my clothes, my house, my van, the grocery store, and everywhere I went. No one else could smell it. No one else could smell anything out of the ordinary, but I could. For 7 days, I was bound by Satan, and able to smell anything but death. I could not smell anything else! It was like my nose just quit working. I could not smell perfume, room freshener, lysol, clorox, gasoline, or anything else. I tried. Desperately. It was not until Eddie's memorial service that I was able to smell "normally" again. I don't even remember the passage the pastor was reading when my nose finally opened and my normal smelling returned. All I remember was that I let out the loudest SHREIK from somewhere deep within my soul. I didn't even want to do that, the noise just came out. I think it was my spirit giving thanks to God for my smelling "freedom" back.

Knowing that ALL things work to the good according to God's purpose, I prayed and prayed, and prayed some more. Praying for guidance as to where my life should "go" after that unforgettable event.

My life if pretty simple in the fact that I don't put stock in material things, just love. God tells us in His word to store our treasures in Heaven and not on Earth, as those on Earth will pass away. That's what I try to teach my kids. Unfortunately now , I've also had to teach them about the reality of suicide.

My prayer is to bring awareness to this unfortunate suicide darkness. Perhaps if people knew how it affected the ones they leave behind by their selfishness, they would reconsider. Maybe people would SEEK help from someone. Seek help from our Creator and Lord, God. Anyone!

God indeed works in mysterious ways.

My prayer is that God will provide for those who need Him. I thank God each day, for His promise that He would NEVER leave or forsake us!

I also pray that anyone who is thinking that suicide is the answer, is first brought to their knees to pray. SUICIDE has been the most terrible thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life. The words I've written here don't BEGIN to describe how terrible it all was!

God bless you all. Thank you for taking time to read this. I pray my story may help someone, somewhere, before they decide life is not worth the journey any longer.

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FOLLOW-UP Post to original post:

February 7, 2009 - Saturday

Who was Eddie to our family?
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Life

If you are reading this, you've probably already read the "suicide"
blog about Eddie. I just wanted to take time to really let you all
know who he was. As promised I'm writing this blog about Edward Carl Cender Jr., aka Eddie.

My kids knew him as "Uncle Eddie" because he would play games with them, draw them pictures, and make them laugh. My daughter took his suicide rather harshly, that is, after we finally told the kids. We didn't think it to be a good idea to tell them what really happened. So the morning after, we just told the kids that Eddie had moved back to Minnesota (during the middle of the night) to be with his mom for Christmas. At ages 9 & 10 though, they were more than curious to ask WHY he hadn't taken any of his personal belongings. Knowing that his brother & sister were going to come and get his things, we told them that he was going to send his family to get his stuff. Well, my daughter wrote him "love" letters every single day for about 2 months. She asked me to mail them for her. She wondered why he hadn't even called to check on them. I knew in my heart it was wrong to lie about where Eddie was, but when they would ask me, I kinda felt justified by just saying "I don't know honey". I really didn't know at that time, could be Heaven, could be Hell. All I knew for certain was that with every letter I was to supposedly "mail" to him, I got sicker and sicker. We decided to come clean, and tell them what Eddie had done. Like us, their first question was WHY? They were really upset. I had to really try to talk to them, not only about someone they loved dying, but the whole suicide thing. I don't think they had ever heard the word suicide before that. I told them that many many people do that and we just don't know why they don't try to get help beforehand. It was a long conversation. What may have bothered them more was the fact that we had not told them what really happened right away. We just told lies after the fact and misled them to think their letters were getting mailed, etc. They didn't even get to go to the memorial service. I had saved the pamphlets for them for when they "were older". God used my little ones to convict me right then. I thought I was "protecting" them from knowing, but all they saw was that mommy lied to them. I asked their forgiveness, and they gave it, under the conditions that I'd never lie to them again. My "babies" were growing up. I haven't lied to them since. I had them write letters to Eddie telling him how much they loved him and just how they felt about what he did. I told them they had to forgive him for it too. We took the letters and blew them up in balloons, and sent them soaring into the sky. At the same time, I told them that God already knew what was in their hearts and so did Eddie.

Eddie was my husbands best friend, had been for about 6 years. When he and his girlfriend had broken up (after 14 years), he moved in with us. We all had a great time. Eddie was ALWAYS the first one to offer his help with whatever needed to get done. Didn't matter how dirty or big the job was, he'd offer and do it with a smile. Prior to spring I always joked with him and told him I had a job for him to do. DIG my KOI pond, lol. He just laughed (because he knew I was really kidding), but inside I KNEW he was soooo glad it was winter and the ground was too hard, lol. He really didn't care much for the winter months (despite being from Minnesota), as he was slim built and got cold easily. We bought him his own portable heater for his room, even though his was the warmest in the house.

Talk about groceries for a minute. I'd call the house when I was close to getting home from the grocery store to line up my "carrying helpers". Eddie was ALWAYS the FIRST one out to load his arms, sometimes even carrying everything in himself. Never complained at all, never. My kids would complain and practically start fist fighting about it sometimes, LOLLOL, but not Eddie. He was such a great help around the house for me. I really miss our cleaning & arranging moments.

I really miss Eddie's smile. I think he was the first person I'd ever met that brushed their teeth like a million times a day. They were beautiful. He was very proud of the fact that he had never had a cavity. I loved it when he'd show the kids and tell them the importance of brushing and flossing. This may seem silly or trivial...I mean, remembering someone for this? But Eddie's teeth were very memorable and his smile was exceptionally radiant.

I can't really speak of how much my husband still misses his company to this day. We still talk about Eddie quite often. The "what-if's" and the "wonder-why's" always seem to creep in though, I guess they always will. I just know that my old man has lost a great friend and confidant. Eddie was one of the funniest people ever! I love to laugh and Eddie sure took advantage of that with me, and all of us. My husband has his own "play room", (lol, I know....) and they would both be in there for hours playing PS2. Madden football and laughter would iminate through the entire house. Hubby hasn't really played it since, says it's not the same.

I don't really know much about Eddie's childhood, as he grew up in Minnesota. I know that he was estranged from his family since moving to Ohio. It was hard when his brother and sister came to get his things. Eddie was a collector of various items, hot wheels for one, comic books for another. His collections were excellent in condition, not one missing. He had hung his hotwheels up on the walls of my son's room. There was hardly a blank place of wall left. As his family was packing everything up, they wanted to know what Eddie "was like" while living at our house. I told them that he was loving, kind, meek, humble, and extremely funny. Oh yeah, and Eddie was a "clean-freak", lol. I forgot to mention that. I warned him before he moved in about how the kids tend to leave messes behind them, etc. I told him that with all our animals and the fact that MOST of them were still young, they could make messes and tear up things. Hmph..he didn't believe me until afterwards, lol. I think a coffee cup left on the counter could drive him nuts! Sometimes, I'd do it on purpose and wait for him to put it away, then RUN in there and say...I caught ya! LOL We'd roll out and he'd apologize for "being" that way :) Just to hear him apologize one more time...in that MINNESOTA "TWANG" as I call it, would be wonderful. Here in Ohio, we say pop. In Minnesota, they say soda, go figure, lol. I never did get used to him asking for a "soda" (grin).

We certainly miss him greatly. We miss his Minnesota laughter, his sometimes weird Minnesota sense of humor, and his great smile. We miss his stories, his art drawings, and his kind heart. We miss seeing him wrestle with our boxer dogs and softly cuddling with our kitties. We miss our friend Eddie. We surely do.

This little blog barely portrays who Eddie was at all really. I just hope it helps explain the hurt and frustration I felt in my original blog. I was angry and confused that our friend was gone, especially in "that" manner. I didn't delete the original blog because I wanted everyone to know that I am by far NOT perfect, not even close. I was convicted to write this blog about Eddie, to let everyone know what kind of soul he was. It has been 14 months since then. I can honestly say that I'm not angry anymore. Hurt, but not angry. In my heart of hearts, I believe that God forgave Eddie for his actions, his sin. Why wouldn't He? His final act on this earth (his suicide) is really NO different that any other sin that we all commit on a daily basis. SIN IS SIN and makes God sick. But God is a loving, forgiving Father. I KNOW that when Eddie stood face to face in judgment, that God must have forgave him. I really do believe that.

We love Jesus, and we all loved Eddie. Eddie will continue to be missed dearly. R.I.P. Eddie, for I know you are resting in the arms of God.