Found a great site to publish my work, and would love to have everyone come read my articles!
Here is a true story of my true love, his addiction, and how it affected my family and I:
Dying to Live
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Sunday, December 31, 2017
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Monday, December 2, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Another Suicide :(
Sigh, really? Sigh. I'll just NEVER understand it. Maybe I'm not supposed to, who knows.
I can't really say "who" because certain family members are against people knowing the truth. That bothers me a little too. I mean, it's not like people can't find out what really happened if they want to. I'll just say it was someone I loved dearly.
Just been trying to wrap my head around it all this week. I can sort of understand "why" they did it, even though I don't advocate suicide for ANY reason. I'm so very sad. Praying God will comfort this broken heart of mine.
I can't really say "who" because certain family members are against people knowing the truth. That bothers me a little too. I mean, it's not like people can't find out what really happened if they want to. I'll just say it was someone I loved dearly.
Just been trying to wrap my head around it all this week. I can sort of understand "why" they did it, even though I don't advocate suicide for ANY reason. I'm so very sad. Praying God will comfort this broken heart of mine.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Why?
Well, it's been awhile since I've written or posted anything. I'm just sitting here wondering why the Lord would have given me a singing voice if He had not wanted me to use it for His glory in some way?
My heart is still broken from being fired from Lest We Boast. I truly thought we were more than just a band, a family of sorts. I mean, we were all Christians. I just don't get it at all. I don't get how a Christian band can "fire" someone, and especially not even give them a reason. Sigh.
Lord, lift me out of this sorrow and self-pity I seem to be in. Direct my eyes to You and You alone. Lead me in Your ways and the path that You would have set for me Lord. I love you so much and I pray these things in the name of Jesus, Amen.
My heart is still broken from being fired from Lest We Boast. I truly thought we were more than just a band, a family of sorts. I mean, we were all Christians. I just don't get it at all. I don't get how a Christian band can "fire" someone, and especially not even give them a reason. Sigh.
Lord, lift me out of this sorrow and self-pity I seem to be in. Direct my eyes to You and You alone. Lead me in Your ways and the path that You would have set for me Lord. I love you so much and I pray these things in the name of Jesus, Amen.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Healing For a Broken Heart
Healing For a Broken Heart
One of the most painful emotional experiences is that of a "broken heart" whether it be from a severed relationship or the death of a loved one. Everyone has to deal with a broken heart at some point in life because we live in a fallen world, and, as a result, we are constantly faced with shattered dreams, unexpected losses, and hurting relationships.
For ages, songwriters have tried to capture the heart-wrenching feelings that arise from these circumstances with lyrics like, "How I am supposed to live without you when all I've been living for is gone?" and "I 'll never get over you getting over me;" as well as "You've lost that loving feeling." Yet, these emotions are not articulated as clearly as we often wish they were. Often the pain is so deep, and so excruciating that we tend to repress and deny the anguish rather than handle it properly.
But God gives hope to all those who suffer from a broken heart by promising both His abiding presence and His overflowing peace. Psalm 34:18 says that the Lord "is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." In John 14:27 Jesus states, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you . . . Do not let your hearts be troubled."
Right now God can use you even in your heartache. In II Corinthians 1:3-4 Paul writes, "Praise be to God . . . the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." Sometimes the very reason pain has been allowed into our lives is so that we can be more effective in our ministry to others.
Consider this: Can she who has never felt rejection and isolation understand the plight of a woman who battles depression and loneliness? Can he who has never lost a loved one empathize with a man who has just lost his father? Can she who has never known the pain of unrequited love minister to the teenager whose love interest has chosen someone else for a prom date?
God's purposes in allowing pain in our lives are multi-faceted. Not only does He teach us about His love and faithfulness amidst our times of sorrow, but after our grieving has ended, He gives us strength to offer words of edification to others who are experiencing similar trials. I Peter 5:9 says, " . . . Your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." Thus, we serve as both a support base and a hope for those who are walking through difficult situations proving that with God's help even seemingly insurmountable obstacles can be overcome.
If you are struggling with emotional pain, take comfort in the fact that God has your situation as well as you in the palm of His hands. He will not let you go, and He will not let you down. A final word of hope can be found in I Peter 5:10, "And the God of all grace, who called you . . . , after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, form, and steadfast." Take heart, the pain you experience today may be your platform for ministry tomorrow.
http://www.knowjesus.com/Dev_heart.shtml
One of the most painful emotional experiences is that of a "broken heart" whether it be from a severed relationship or the death of a loved one. Everyone has to deal with a broken heart at some point in life because we live in a fallen world, and, as a result, we are constantly faced with shattered dreams, unexpected losses, and hurting relationships.
For ages, songwriters have tried to capture the heart-wrenching feelings that arise from these circumstances with lyrics like, "How I am supposed to live without you when all I've been living for is gone?" and "I 'll never get over you getting over me;" as well as "You've lost that loving feeling." Yet, these emotions are not articulated as clearly as we often wish they were. Often the pain is so deep, and so excruciating that we tend to repress and deny the anguish rather than handle it properly.
But God gives hope to all those who suffer from a broken heart by promising both His abiding presence and His overflowing peace. Psalm 34:18 says that the Lord "is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." In John 14:27 Jesus states, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you . . . Do not let your hearts be troubled."
Right now God can use you even in your heartache. In II Corinthians 1:3-4 Paul writes, "Praise be to God . . . the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." Sometimes the very reason pain has been allowed into our lives is so that we can be more effective in our ministry to others.
Consider this: Can she who has never felt rejection and isolation understand the plight of a woman who battles depression and loneliness? Can he who has never lost a loved one empathize with a man who has just lost his father? Can she who has never known the pain of unrequited love minister to the teenager whose love interest has chosen someone else for a prom date?
God's purposes in allowing pain in our lives are multi-faceted. Not only does He teach us about His love and faithfulness amidst our times of sorrow, but after our grieving has ended, He gives us strength to offer words of edification to others who are experiencing similar trials. I Peter 5:9 says, " . . . Your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." Thus, we serve as both a support base and a hope for those who are walking through difficult situations proving that with God's help even seemingly insurmountable obstacles can be overcome.
If you are struggling with emotional pain, take comfort in the fact that God has your situation as well as you in the palm of His hands. He will not let you go, and He will not let you down. A final word of hope can be found in I Peter 5:10, "And the God of all grace, who called you . . . , after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, form, and steadfast." Take heart, the pain you experience today may be your platform for ministry tomorrow.
http://www.knowjesus.com/Dev_heart.shtml
Friday, December 17, 2010
7 years gone, where to now?
Hey guys. Well, if you don't already know, I've been asked to "part ways" with my Christian rock band.
Before you get angry or upset at them, let me tell you that some of their complaints of me were valid, but I think most weren't. They were not happy last year when I contracted whooping cough and was out for 4 months, unable to talk let alone sing. Luckily for the band, Shandi stepped into the spotlight as lead vocals and carried them well into their gigs. I am grateful to have had Shandi then and grateful to still know her now. She is a sweetheart and I will always hold a special place for her in my heart.
In any event, I'm out, which leads me to prayer. I need to ask God what His wishes for me are. Does He still want me to sing for Him? If so, shall I go alone or find another band? So many questions.
I will never stop singing for the Lord, be it at home or on stage somewhere. I love Him so much and I owe my very life to Him.
So, Lest We Boast will go down in history as part of my past now. I learned a lot while in the band and got the opportunity to have my songs played for quite a bit of people on occasion. I'll forever be grateful to God and the band for allowing me to share in that entire experience. I have no regrets, only vivid, fond memories :) Thank you Lest We Boast, and may God bless you in your next venture!
Keep me in your prayers people, Lord knows I can use them right now. I'll keep you updated on any musical leads coming my way in the meantime. God bless you all. Love you!
Before you get angry or upset at them, let me tell you that some of their complaints of me were valid, but I think most weren't. They were not happy last year when I contracted whooping cough and was out for 4 months, unable to talk let alone sing. Luckily for the band, Shandi stepped into the spotlight as lead vocals and carried them well into their gigs. I am grateful to have had Shandi then and grateful to still know her now. She is a sweetheart and I will always hold a special place for her in my heart.
In any event, I'm out, which leads me to prayer. I need to ask God what His wishes for me are. Does He still want me to sing for Him? If so, shall I go alone or find another band? So many questions.
I will never stop singing for the Lord, be it at home or on stage somewhere. I love Him so much and I owe my very life to Him.
So, Lest We Boast will go down in history as part of my past now. I learned a lot while in the band and got the opportunity to have my songs played for quite a bit of people on occasion. I'll forever be grateful to God and the band for allowing me to share in that entire experience. I have no regrets, only vivid, fond memories :) Thank you Lest We Boast, and may God bless you in your next venture!
Keep me in your prayers people, Lord knows I can use them right now. I'll keep you updated on any musical leads coming my way in the meantime. God bless you all. Love you!
My Life
God bless everyone and hello. My name is Pam DeWitt, and what a glorious day this is to praise the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! How blessed I am to be here. I am currently seeking another Christian rock band to sing with :)
I am blessed to still have my parents to thank for leading me to the comfort and saving grace of God's Word (like the Bible instructs to do with your children).
The oldest of five children, my mother had me and two sets of twins. I was born April 8th, 1966. What we lacked in lush and plush financial riches and worldly comforts, we more than made up for with love, laughter, and tight family bonds. The importance of an active walk with God was evident very early in my pre-teen years.
I was baptized at age 26 (after the dissolution of marriage from my first husband). I focused hard and heavy on my walk with God for the next several years until my involvement with a secular "Southern Rock / Country" band (Dangerous Territory out of Lawrenceburg, IN) became the main focal point in my life at the time.
I've enjoyed singing since I was five. With a hairbrush as a microphone and mom's bed as my stage, the show was on! My parents have always said their children have talent and they all "crave" the spotlight, but I knew in the deepest place of my heart I would one day really, really be a "star", a singer!
Thirty six years later, the hairbrush became a real microphone as I sang for Lest We Boast (Christian rock band, Hamilton, OH) for seven years! They asked to "part ways" with me in December of 2010, but my time with them will be forever in my heart and cherished.
My Heavenly Father became disappointed with my life and I truly believe as part of His admonishment, He lowered His mighty hedge of protection from me around age 29. During this time I met, and fell madly in love with, my current husband of ten years now, Chris. I became pregnant out of wedlock after years of trying to have children with my first husband with no success. I was three and a half months pregnant when Chris and I married in June, 1997. My teenage children, are, and have been the loves of my life. I immediately quit singing the bar scenes and stayed at home to raise my family. I believe that our "living in sin" out of wedlock had a major tidal wave effect on my spiritual life and walk with God. I knew I was not obeying his word, but I didn't really care. I was a Christian, right? What could possibly happen to me?
Looking back, everything fell apart soon after Chris and I had begun our life together.
At 6 1/2 months pregnant, I was involved in a car wreck. Upon arrival to the ER, they told me they couldn't hear my babies heartbeat! The very baby I had waited ALL MY LIFE FOR! The one that I had PRAYED for! After 24 hours under constant monitoring, they found it. Praise God. The hidden blessing in all of this was that due to the car wreck, I had more than the usual number of ultrasounds. They were able to tell me before my son was even born, that he would only have 1 kidney. This had nothing to do with the wreck, but it was very useful information to know. They verified this when he was 3 months old. Now we know that he can't play any contact sports. With my husband being a 6'4", husky "viking" type of man, he would have had our son play football for sure! But I truly feel that God revealed this information to protect our son in the future.
I suffered from generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks from about 1997 to present, everyday of my life. Paralyzing, debilitating panic attacks made me feel like I was dying at LEAST 20 times a day (I still have them). How would my children be without their mother? I wasn't ready to die. It took SO long to have kids, and now I was lookin' the devil square in the eyes. I lived in FEAR every minute, gripped in Satan's clutches, and he brought me to the lowest point in my entire life. Depression and despair was only met with darkness and loneliness. NO ONE knew how I felt or what I was going through. I had already been involved in a car accident while six and a half months pregnant with my first child, Christian. Suffering injuries (physical and mental), I was alone all day and night while my husband worked second shift. It was just me and the babies. My hormones had changed, affecting my seratonin levels and my weight exploded out of control. I had female cancer cells lasered off my cervix right after the birth of my second child, Callie Jade.
Neglecting EVERYTHING but my children, my marriage fell apart. I was never so close to a breakdown. Of course I cried out to God and asked why, why, whyyyyyy? Of course I felt "abandoned". I began to be confined in my home, a prisoner who would not, and did not want to even leave my house. The thought of getting into a car and going anywhere threw me into a full-blown panic attack. My husband (bless his soul to this day), did our laundry, grocery shopping, taking kids to doctors and family outings, and practically anything else that needed taken care of outside of the home. Still working fifty to sixty hours a week, I think it smothered any love or respect he once had for me as a wife because he just didn't understand my illness. No one did.
You know, God gives His blessings in many disguises, and in HIS time :)
As I was sinking and only seeing darkness and total despair, He was preparing to lift me up again and again and again (and still to this day). For THREE LONG years I was unable to leave my home. I had nothing to do and nowhere to turn except back to God. I was just praying that He would remember me from years ago. Would He remember the close walk I once had with Him when I was ON FIRE for his presence???
It's amazing just how close you can get to God while lying face down in your own sobbing and slobbering sinning self. God loved me enough to convict me and to teach me that His faith and promises are EVERLASTING. The bible says that His word does not, and will not return void. It was literally the "mustard seed" that I struggled with. How would these panic attacks go away and I get my life back with just the faith of a mustard seed? Ironic, but it's the very act of even questioning this possibility that made this work. That with just the faith of the tiniest seed, I could move mountains. I could, with God's help, learn to have faith in Him to bear my mountains, cure my mountains, re-position my mountains, or even rid them entirely. It was totally His will. I had to surrender. I couldn't do it my way any more. Something so simple to read was so difficult for me to believe... that's what's called the "lack of faith".
God performed what I still call to this day yet another miracle in my life. SLOWLY my attacks lessened and my faith in God's promises grew again. I still have panic attacks to this day, but they don't "control" my life. I have accepted that God wants me to share this with others who may be where I once was. I have wonderful friends and a loving extended family to encourage me through the next adventures and expectations in life. After five surgeries in 2004 (one removing my thyroid gland, one removing my gall bladder ), I still need God's help each moment of every day. I have diabetes. I have Chrohn's disease. I was sexually abused as a child, then again as a teenager by a man I used to babysit for. I am not the size I should be. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks. I have sleep apnea and seldom get more than 4 hours of sleep per night/day. I am a proud mother of two angels, that God blessed me with after trying and waiting for 11 years! I have a sick husband that has put up with a lot of my illnesses and surgeries, and still loves me. I have no thyroid gland ( removed due to tumors). I had cervical cancer in 1999. Some members of my very own family don't even want to know God. I had an alcoholic father that left my mother with 3 children age 3 and under (me and a set of twins), so I grew up in the projects of Cincinnati on welfare (Winton Terrace). BUT we survived. God had His hand on us even back then! God promised to take care of the fatherless and the widows :)
I ALSO HAVE FAITH IN THE GOD THAT DIED FOR ME. I HAVE PURE L-O-V-E FOR HIM, AND NOTHING WILL EVER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME. I AM TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH JESUS! I think I am the most luckiest, blessed person in the world, despite all that I've just mentioned to you. I've been through the fire. God didn't just walk in it with me...He literally PULLED me through it all. I KNOW there are millions of people that have many many things more terrible than any of my worst problem or experience, that's why I don't even focus on them. THE BIBLE SAYS TO KEEP OUR EYES UPON THE LORD. There is a reason for that. If we keep our focus on Holiness in God, there is NO way our minds can allow bad in to tear us down. THE DEVIL IS A LIAR! If we stay and DWELL in God's word, nothing but good can come from it. All things work to the good according to God's will.
I'm not worthy to be on the world wide web sharing God's glories and miracles with you right now. I'm a sinner. I fall short of God's glory EVERY minute of the day. I don't pray enough (without ceasing) like He tells us to. I don't volunteer my time and resources enough (love one another). I don't do a lot of things that I know I should, but the Bible helps me to strive to be more like Christ. The one thing I know with the very soul that lives within me.....is that
JESUS DOES LOVE ME! HALLELUIJAH!!!
He has already died for me and forgave me for ALL my shortcomings and sins. God is NO respecter of persons, and he loves me. I'm crying pure tears of joy as I'm writing this right now. It is my prayer that everyone could FEEL what I'm feeling, just being wrapped in God's loving embrace.
Dear Heavenly Father... I pray that You will help motivate me to be healthy and become a strong, God-fearing, wife, mother and light for You. I confess my sins and ask for forgiveness. I thank You Jesus, for dying on the cross so I may live with You eternally. Abba, I praise Your Holy Name and I love You with all my heart and soul. I thank you for my family, friends, and many blessings (one of which was purchasing our first home 10/18/05). I thank you for leading me back to you Father. You came and rescued me...just like a lost, stray sheep in your flock. I am not worthy Father, but I am forever yours. I owe my very LIFE to you. Lord, I pray for the continued protection of this great country, and for the leaders running it. I pray for you to answer the individual prayers and needs of all who read this, and ask that you convict them to have a closer and better walk with you. I ask for you to hear the prayers of our band's prayer request lists every day. Let us remember to praise you continually Father, for there is no other greater. Thank You Lord for bringing me to this band and may You bless us to praise and glorify Your Sweet Name. Use us Lord to help others. You promised you would never leave me or forsake me Father, and you didn't. Everything happens in YOUR time, not mine. Fill my cup with you Father, so I may share and proclaim your name!!! I want to spend the rest of my life seeking Your face. I DO believe in miracles. I DO believe in You Father. You are everything Lord. You are Holy, and I humbly thank you for your very being. I ask these things in Jesus' name, Amen. "
I was baptized at age 26 (after the dissolution of marriage from my first husband). I focused hard and heavy on my walk with God for the next several years until my involvement with a secular "Southern Rock / Country" band (Dangerous Territory out of Lawrenceburg, IN) became the main focal point in my life at the time.
I've enjoyed singing since I was five. With a hairbrush as a microphone and mom's bed as my stage, the show was on! My parents have always said their children have talent and they all "crave" the spotlight, but I knew in the deepest place of my heart I would one day really, really be a "star", a singer!
Thirty six years later, the hairbrush became a real microphone as I sang for Lest We Boast (Christian rock band, Hamilton, OH) for seven years! They asked to "part ways" with me in December of 2010, but my time with them will be forever in my heart and cherished.
My Heavenly Father became disappointed with my life and I truly believe as part of His admonishment, He lowered His mighty hedge of protection from me around age 29. During this time I met, and fell madly in love with, my current husband of ten years now, Chris. I became pregnant out of wedlock after years of trying to have children with my first husband with no success. I was three and a half months pregnant when Chris and I married in June, 1997. My teenage children, are, and have been the loves of my life. I immediately quit singing the bar scenes and stayed at home to raise my family. I believe that our "living in sin" out of wedlock had a major tidal wave effect on my spiritual life and walk with God. I knew I was not obeying his word, but I didn't really care. I was a Christian, right? What could possibly happen to me?
Looking back, everything fell apart soon after Chris and I had begun our life together.
At 6 1/2 months pregnant, I was involved in a car wreck. Upon arrival to the ER, they told me they couldn't hear my babies heartbeat! The very baby I had waited ALL MY LIFE FOR! The one that I had PRAYED for! After 24 hours under constant monitoring, they found it. Praise God. The hidden blessing in all of this was that due to the car wreck, I had more than the usual number of ultrasounds. They were able to tell me before my son was even born, that he would only have 1 kidney. This had nothing to do with the wreck, but it was very useful information to know. They verified this when he was 3 months old. Now we know that he can't play any contact sports. With my husband being a 6'4", husky "viking" type of man, he would have had our son play football for sure! But I truly feel that God revealed this information to protect our son in the future.
I suffered from generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks from about 1997 to present, everyday of my life. Paralyzing, debilitating panic attacks made me feel like I was dying at LEAST 20 times a day (I still have them). How would my children be without their mother? I wasn't ready to die. It took SO long to have kids, and now I was lookin' the devil square in the eyes. I lived in FEAR every minute, gripped in Satan's clutches, and he brought me to the lowest point in my entire life. Depression and despair was only met with darkness and loneliness. NO ONE knew how I felt or what I was going through. I had already been involved in a car accident while six and a half months pregnant with my first child, Christian. Suffering injuries (physical and mental), I was alone all day and night while my husband worked second shift. It was just me and the babies. My hormones had changed, affecting my seratonin levels and my weight exploded out of control. I had female cancer cells lasered off my cervix right after the birth of my second child, Callie Jade.
Neglecting EVERYTHING but my children, my marriage fell apart. I was never so close to a breakdown. Of course I cried out to God and asked why, why, whyyyyyy? Of course I felt "abandoned". I began to be confined in my home, a prisoner who would not, and did not want to even leave my house. The thought of getting into a car and going anywhere threw me into a full-blown panic attack. My husband (bless his soul to this day), did our laundry, grocery shopping, taking kids to doctors and family outings, and practically anything else that needed taken care of outside of the home. Still working fifty to sixty hours a week, I think it smothered any love or respect he once had for me as a wife because he just didn't understand my illness. No one did.
You know, God gives His blessings in many disguises, and in HIS time :)
As I was sinking and only seeing darkness and total despair, He was preparing to lift me up again and again and again (and still to this day). For THREE LONG years I was unable to leave my home. I had nothing to do and nowhere to turn except back to God. I was just praying that He would remember me from years ago. Would He remember the close walk I once had with Him when I was ON FIRE for his presence???
It's amazing just how close you can get to God while lying face down in your own sobbing and slobbering sinning self. God loved me enough to convict me and to teach me that His faith and promises are EVERLASTING. The bible says that His word does not, and will not return void. It was literally the "mustard seed" that I struggled with. How would these panic attacks go away and I get my life back with just the faith of a mustard seed? Ironic, but it's the very act of even questioning this possibility that made this work. That with just the faith of the tiniest seed, I could move mountains. I could, with God's help, learn to have faith in Him to bear my mountains, cure my mountains, re-position my mountains, or even rid them entirely. It was totally His will. I had to surrender. I couldn't do it my way any more. Something so simple to read was so difficult for me to believe... that's what's called the "lack of faith".
God performed what I still call to this day yet another miracle in my life. SLOWLY my attacks lessened and my faith in God's promises grew again. I still have panic attacks to this day, but they don't "control" my life. I have accepted that God wants me to share this with others who may be where I once was. I have wonderful friends and a loving extended family to encourage me through the next adventures and expectations in life. After five surgeries in 2004 (one removing my thyroid gland, one removing my gall bladder ), I still need God's help each moment of every day. I have diabetes. I have Chrohn's disease. I was sexually abused as a child, then again as a teenager by a man I used to babysit for. I am not the size I should be. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks. I have sleep apnea and seldom get more than 4 hours of sleep per night/day. I am a proud mother of two angels, that God blessed me with after trying and waiting for 11 years! I have a sick husband that has put up with a lot of my illnesses and surgeries, and still loves me. I have no thyroid gland ( removed due to tumors). I had cervical cancer in 1999. Some members of my very own family don't even want to know God. I had an alcoholic father that left my mother with 3 children age 3 and under (me and a set of twins), so I grew up in the projects of Cincinnati on welfare (Winton Terrace). BUT we survived. God had His hand on us even back then! God promised to take care of the fatherless and the widows :)
I ALSO HAVE FAITH IN THE GOD THAT DIED FOR ME. I HAVE PURE L-O-V-E FOR HIM, AND NOTHING WILL EVER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME. I AM TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH JESUS! I think I am the most luckiest, blessed person in the world, despite all that I've just mentioned to you. I've been through the fire. God didn't just walk in it with me...He literally PULLED me through it all. I KNOW there are millions of people that have many many things more terrible than any of my worst problem or experience, that's why I don't even focus on them. THE BIBLE SAYS TO KEEP OUR EYES UPON THE LORD. There is a reason for that. If we keep our focus on Holiness in God, there is NO way our minds can allow bad in to tear us down. THE DEVIL IS A LIAR! If we stay and DWELL in God's word, nothing but good can come from it. All things work to the good according to God's will.
I'm not worthy to be on the world wide web sharing God's glories and miracles with you right now. I'm a sinner. I fall short of God's glory EVERY minute of the day. I don't pray enough (without ceasing) like He tells us to. I don't volunteer my time and resources enough (love one another). I don't do a lot of things that I know I should, but the Bible helps me to strive to be more like Christ. The one thing I know with the very soul that lives within me.....is that
JESUS DOES LOVE ME! HALLELUIJAH!!!
He has already died for me and forgave me for ALL my shortcomings and sins. God is NO respecter of persons, and he loves me. I'm crying pure tears of joy as I'm writing this right now. It is my prayer that everyone could FEEL what I'm feeling, just being wrapped in God's loving embrace.
Dear Heavenly Father... I pray that You will help motivate me to be healthy and become a strong, God-fearing, wife, mother and light for You. I confess my sins and ask for forgiveness. I thank You Jesus, for dying on the cross so I may live with You eternally. Abba, I praise Your Holy Name and I love You with all my heart and soul. I thank you for my family, friends, and many blessings (one of which was purchasing our first home 10/18/05). I thank you for leading me back to you Father. You came and rescued me...just like a lost, stray sheep in your flock. I am not worthy Father, but I am forever yours. I owe my very LIFE to you. Lord, I pray for the continued protection of this great country, and for the leaders running it. I pray for you to answer the individual prayers and needs of all who read this, and ask that you convict them to have a closer and better walk with you. I ask for you to hear the prayers of our band's prayer request lists every day. Let us remember to praise you continually Father, for there is no other greater. Thank You Lord for bringing me to this band and may You bless us to praise and glorify Your Sweet Name. Use us Lord to help others. You promised you would never leave me or forsake me Father, and you didn't. Everything happens in YOUR time, not mine. Fill my cup with you Father, so I may share and proclaim your name!!! I want to spend the rest of my life seeking Your face. I DO believe in miracles. I DO believe in You Father. You are everything Lord. You are Holy, and I humbly thank you for your very being. I ask these things in Jesus' name, Amen. "
I was baptized at age 26 (after the dissolution of marriage from my first husband). I focused hard and heavy on my walk with God for the next several years until my involvement with a secular "Southern Rock / Country" band (Dangerous Territory out of Lawrenceburg, IN) became the main focal point in my life at the time.I've enjoyed singing since I was five. With a hairbrush as a microphone and mom's bed as my stage, the show was on! My parents have always said their children have talent and they all "crave" the spotlight, but I knew in the deepest place of my heart I would one day really, really be a "star", a singer!Thirty six years later, the hairbrush became a real microphone as I sang for Lest We Boast (Christian rock band, Hamilton, OH) for seven years! They asked to "part ways" with me in December of 2010, but my time with them will be forever in my heart and cherished.My Heavenly Father became disappointed with my life and I truly believe as part of His admonishment, He lowered His mighty hedge of protection from me around age 29. During this time I met, and fell madly in love with, my current husband of ten years now, Chris. I became pregnant out of wedlock after years of trying to have children with my first husband with no success. I was three and a half months pregnant when Chris and I married in June, 1997. My teenage children, are, and have been the loves of my life. I immediately quit singing the bar scenes and stayed at home to raise my family. I believe that our "living in sin" out of wedlock had a major tidal wave effect on my spiritual life and walk with God. I knew I was not obeying his word, but I didn't really care. I was a Christian, right? What could possibly happen to me?Looking back, everything fell apart soon after Chris and I had begun our life together.At 6 1/2 months pregnant, I was involved in a car wreck. Upon arrival to the ER, they told me they couldn't hear my babies heartbeat! The very baby I had waited ALL MY LIFE FOR! The one that I had PRAYED for! After 24 hours under constant monitoring, they found it. Praise God. The hidden blessing in all of this was that due to the car wreck, I had more than the usual number of ultrasounds. They were able to tell me before my son was even born, that he would only have 1 kidney. This had nothing to do with the wreck, but it was very useful information to know. They verified this when he was 3 months old. Now we know that he can't play any contact sports. With my husband being a 6'4", husky "viking" type of man, he would have had our son play football for sure! But I truly feel that God revealed this information to protect our son in the future. I suffered from generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks from about 1997 to 2003 every day of my life. Paralyzing, debilitating panic attacks made me feel like I was dying at LEAST 20 times a day (I still have them today). How would my children be without their mother? I wasn't ready to die. It took SO long to have kids, and now I was lookin' the devil square in the eyes. I lived in FEAR every minute, gripped in Satan's clutches, and he brought me to the lowest point in my entire life. Depression and despair was only met with darkness and loneliness. NO ONE knew how I felt or what I was going through. I had already been involved in a car accident while six and a half months pregnant with my first child, Christian. Suffering injuries (physical and mental), I was alone all day and night while my husband worked second shift. It was just me and the babies. My hormones had changed, affecting my seratonin levels and my weight exploded out of control. I had female cancer cells lasered off my cervix right after the birth of my second child, Callie Jade.Neglecting EVERYTHING but my children, my marriage fell apart. I was never so close to a breakdown. Of course I cried out to God and asked why, why, whyyyyyy? Of course I felt "abandoned". I began to be confined in my home, a prisoner who would not, and did not want to even leave my house. The thought of getting into a car and going anywhere threw me into a full-blown panic attack. My husband (bless his soul to this day), did our laundry, grocery shopping, taking kids to doctors and family outings, and practically anything else that needed taken care of outside of the home. Still working fifty to sixty hours a week, I think it smothered any love or respect he once had for me as a wife because he just didn't understand my illness. No one did.You know, God gives His blessings in many disguises, and in HIS time :)As I was sinking and only seeing darkness and total despair, He was preparing to lift me up again and again and again (and still to this day). For THREE LONG years I was unable to leave my home. I had nothing to do and nowhere to turn except back to God. I was just praying that He would remember me from years ago. Would He remember the close walk I once had with Him when I was ON FIRE for his presence???It's amazing just how close you can get to God while lying face down in your own sobbing and slobbering sinning self. God loved me enough to convict me and to teach me that His faith and promises are EVERLASTING. The bible says that His word does not, and will not return void. It was literally the "mustard seed" that I struggled with. How would these panic attacks go away and I get my life back with just the faith of a mustard seed? Ironic, but it's the very act of even questioning this possibility that made this work. That with just the faith of the tiniest seed, I could move mountains. I could, with God's help, learn to have faith in Him to bear my mountains, cure my mountains, re-position my mountains, or even rid them entirely. It was totally His will. I had to surrender. I couldn't do it my way any more. Something so simple to read was so difficult for me to believe... that's what's called the "lack of faith".God performed what I still call to this day yet another miracle in my life. SLOWLY my attacks lessened and my faith in God's promises grew again. I still have panic attacks to this day, but they don't "control" my life. I have accepted that God wants me to share this with others who may be where I once was. I have wonderful friends and a loving extended family to encourage me through the next adventures and expectations in life. After five surgeries in 2004 (one removing my thyroid gland, one removing my gall bladder ), I still need God's help each moment of every day. I have diabetes. I have Chrohn's disease. I was sexually abused as a child, then again as a teenager by a man I used to babysit for. I am not the size I should be. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks. I have sleep apnea and seldom get more than 4 hours of sleep per night/day. I am a proud mother of two angels, that God blessed me with after trying and waiting for 11 years! I have a sick husband that has put up with a lot of my illnesses and surgeries, and still loves me. I have no thyroid gland ( removed due to tumors). I had cervical cancer in 1999. Some members of my very own family don't even want to know God. I had an alcoholic father that left my mother with 3 children age 3 and under (me and a set of twins), so I grew up in the projects of Cincinnati on welfare (Winton Terrace). BUT we survived. God had His hand on us even back then! God promised to take care of the fatherless and the widows :)I ALSO HAVE FAITH IN THE GOD THAT DIED FOR ME. I HAVE PURE L-O-V-E FOR HIM, AND NOTHING WILL EVER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME. I AM TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH JESUS! I think I am the most luckiest, blessed person in the world, despite all that I've just mentioned to you. I've been through the fire. God didn't just walk in it with me...He literally PULLED me through it all. I KNOW there are millions of people that have many many things more terrible than any of my worst problem or experience, that's why I don't even focus on them. THE BIBLE SAYS TO KEEP OUR EYES UPON THE LORD. There is a reason for that. If we keep our focus on Holiness in God, there is NO way our minds can allow bad in to tear us down. THE DEVIL IS A LIAR! If we stay and DWELL in God's word, nothing but good can come from it. All things work to the good according to God's will.I'm not worthy to be on the world wide web sharing God's glories and miracles with you right now. I'm a sinner. I fall short of God's glory EVERY minute of the day. I don't pray enough (without ceasing) like He tells us to. I don't volunteer my time and resources enough (love one another). I don't do a lot of things that I know I should, but the Bible helps me to strive to be more like Christ. The one thing I know with the very soul that lives within me.....is thatJESUS DOES LOVE ME! HALLELUIJAH!!!He has already died for me and forgave me for ALL my shortcomings and sins. God is NO respecter of persons, and he loves me. I'm crying pure tears of joy as I'm writing this right now. It is my prayer that everyone could FEEL what I'm feeling, just being wrapped in God's loving embrace.Dear Heavenly Father... I pray that You will help motivate me to be healthy and become a strong, God-fearing, wife, mother and light for You. I confess my sins and ask for forgiveness. I thank You Jesus, for dying on the cross so I may live with You eternally. Abba, I praise Your Holy Name and I love You with all my heart and soul. I thank you for my family, friends, and many blessings (one of which was purchasing our first home 10/18/05, even though we lost it to foreclosure in 2008 after hubby lost his 12 year job). I thank you for leading me back to you Father. You came and rescued me...just like a lost, stray sheep in your flock. I am not worthy Father, but I am forever yours. I owe my very LIFE to you. Lord, I pray for the continued protection of this great country, and for the leaders running it. I pray for you to answer the individual prayers and needs of all who read this, and ask that you convict them to have a closer and better walk with you. I ask for you to hear the prayers of our band's prayer request lists every day. Let us remember to praise you continually Father, for there is no other greater. Thank You Lord for bringing me to this band and may You bless us to praise and glorify Your Sweet Name. Use us Lord to help others. You promised you would never leave me or forsake me Father, and you didn't. Everything happens in YOUR time, not mine. Fill my cup with you Father, so I may share and proclaim your name!!! I want to spend the rest of my life seeking Your face. I DO believe in miracles. I DO believe in You Father. You are everything Lord. You are Holy, and I humbly thank you for your very being. I ask these things in Jesus' name, Amen. "
Monday, May 24, 2010
Rocked by SUICIDE ~ my story of "that" night
December 16, 2008 - Tuesday
Rocked by SUICIDE ~ my story of "that" night
I sing in a Christian rock band called Lest We Boast from Hamilton, Ohio. My name is Pam DeWitt. I am a Christian wife, mother, and volunteer. I love God with all my heart. It is only because of Him that I live. This is my story of suicide and how it has affected me.
After a 35 year old gentleman, Eddie (friend of my husband) that was staying with my family HUNG himself in our son's bedroom on 12/3/07, I found myself stuck in a little "rut" so to speak. He hung there dead, for approximately 14 hours before the coroner removed his body to the morgue. We were none the wiser, yet...
The kids and I were home, living, loving, and being "normal" for about 6 hours before I discovered his lifeless body, with the sheet over the closet door and his discolored, lifeless face. Thank GOD that he had not gotten any mail that day because my kids would have found him as they took the mail into his room. Talk about God protecting them from seeing him that way!
I also have to think about this...my husband was at work until 11:30pm, so what if Eddie wanted to go on a murderous killing spree before taking his own life? He easily could have killed me and my two children before himself. I mean, if he was in "that" kind of mindset anyway, who's to say? I look back and give God the thanks for His almighty protection over me and my children that night.
Needless to say, I was shocked to find him hanging there in the dark. Until that moment, the only time I'd seen a dead body was lying in a casket, not draped from a bed sheet strung over my closet door. It was quite unexpected. He was over 6' tall, so it was overwhelming to see, and I think for the first time in my life I was in actual shock. I really still to this day don't know HOW he even was able to do it, as you could easily touch the ceiling in there anyway. I didn't stand there and try to figure it out though, I just ran like I had never ran before. Ran outside. Stood there trying to think. Just waiting for anyone to tell me it wasn't for real.
We had been asleep when our boxer dogs woke me up, barking and going wild at someone outside in my yard, crying and screaming. I went out the front door to see what was going on, but could not see anyone. Having an uneasy feeling, I decided to go get him (Eddie), and ask him to go outside to "check it out" and see where the screaming was coming from.
The bedroom doorknob was turning, but the door was not opening. I called out for him and assumed he was sleeping since I got no reply. I forced the door open with my shoulder, only to see a butter knife fall from the door frame. He had jammed it there (I think) to keep anyone from entering the bedroom. Who knows. Anyway, I called his name in the darkness and walked towards the bed only to find it empty. As I turned to leave the room, there he was. The door seemed a million miles away at that moment. My feet felt like they were cemented to the floor, but my mind had already ran to California! I took off running after it finally SANK in that what I was seeing was indeed "REAL". I still heard a woman outside crying and screaming and my dogs were still barking and running from window to window. That was probably the FIRST time in 10 years that I had not even thought about my kids, honestly. It wasn't until I was outside, that I ran back in and up the steps to check on them. Whew, they were sound asleep, and still breathing. Breathing, thank God!
I ran back outside, and found that the "woman" had come around to my front porch now. It was Eddie's ex-girlfriend of 14 years (who he had recently broken up with). She had climbed into the bedroom window and found him dead before I did. She went absolutely nuts causing my dogs to go crazy.
SIGH.
Eddie had worked with my husband at one point, and we'd known him for 6 years. He had lived with us for almost 9 months as we were trying to help him out, get him off pot and focused towards his future, etc. I thought things were going great. Guess I thought wrong. I couldn't stop running things through my head, even as the coroner took him out in a slumped body bag.
It seemed like FOREVER until my husband made it home from work. I had called him at work to tell him as the police cars were pulling up to my house. Lights on, no sirens I remember. I suddenly met about 20 neighbors I had never even talked to before, as people gathered like a crowd at a rock concert in my front yard.
With Amanda (ex-girlfriend) still freaking out, the cops didn't know who to talk to first. It was all a blur. It was all UNREAL. My 1st house. My first witnessed suicide, in my 1st house. I wanted to move the next day and sell the house. I wanted to go to a hotel with my husband and kids that night. I just wanted to scream or cry, or something.
Cops asked me to secure my dogs. I tried, but they still barked, this time at the cops, lol. I had to take them outside to my van so the cops could walk-thru my house. They posted two cops at the bedroom door and window until the detectives arrived. They were NOT allowed to leave for any reason (to secure the crime scene). Certainly, they didn't think that we had anything to do with his death! All I could think about was Eddie still hanging in there. I could NOT get that image out of my mind. I was sick to my stomach. It took 2 1/2 hours for the detectives to arrive from this point. Luckily, my husband was home now, and we just held each other. I didn't cry yet. Shock will do that to a person I've since learned. All I could think about was trying not to shake so much, and remembering to breathe. Oh yeah, and trying to remember the answers to the questions everyone was drilling me with left and right. My brain was so numb. It was hard to think. All I could still think about was Eddie hanging in there, in my son's bedroom that he had let him use.
Thank God the detectives FINALLY came. Oh. Another "wait" now for the coroner? "How long would that be?" I asked one of the detectives. No answer. I was soooo sick to my stomach. Thank God my husband was more together than me. At least he kept going upstairs to check on the kids, making sure they didn't wake up to our "middle-of-the-night" tragedy and house guests.
2 more hours passed. I assumed the van pulling up was the coroner, and it was. They came outside to my van, where I was sitting, to tell me that Eddie WAS deceased. "Thank you" was all I could say, until they started to walk back into the house. I finally felt my mind starting to work a bit as what they just told me rang true. I mustered up a few pertinent questions for them as I summoned them back to my van. I remember my first question being WHY?! I don't know why I asked THEM. Afterall, they didn't even know Eddie. You can guess what their answer was. Still the same answer today as then, I DON'T KNOW WHY.
We found the last photo Eddie drew on top of my son's dresser. It was of the grim reaper. I wonder what he was thinking just before he decided to commit suicide? I wonder if he was scared or nervous at all. I wonder a lot of things, still to this day. Wonder if I should have shackled him and made him go to church. Wonder why he didn't come to my husband and I to just tell us he was depressed, scared, lonely, or WHATEVER! I wonder if he even took one second to think what my innocent little kids would do the next day, without "uncle Eddie" as they called him. I wonder if our help was enough, or anything at all. I wonder why God allowed that to happen in my house. Why did I have to be the one to see it, discover him there?! I wonder. Sigh :(
I smelled DEATH for 7 days after this happened. I cannot explain to anyone what "it" smells like, but unfortunately, I know it now. It was in my nose, my mind, on my clothes, my house, my van, the grocery store, and everywhere I went. No one else could smell it. No one else could smell anything out of the ordinary, but I could. For 7 days, I was bound by Satan, and able to smell anything but death. I could not smell anything else! It was like my nose just quit working. I could not smell perfume, room freshener, lysol, clorox, gasoline, or anything else. I tried. Desperately. It was not until Eddie's memorial service that I was able to smell "normally" again. I don't even remember the passage the pastor was reading when my nose finally opened and my normal smelling returned. All I remember was that I let out the loudest SHREIK from somewhere deep within my soul. I didn't even want to do that, the noise just came out. I think it was my spirit giving thanks to God for my smelling "freedom" back.
Knowing that ALL things work to the good according to God's purpose, I prayed and prayed, and prayed some more. Praying for guidance as to where my life should "go" after that unforgettable event.
My life if pretty simple in the fact that I don't put stock in material things, just love. God tells us in His word to store our treasures in Heaven and not on Earth, as those on Earth will pass away. That's what I try to teach my kids. Unfortunately now , I've also had to teach them about the reality of suicide.
My prayer is to bring awareness to this unfortunate suicide darkness. Perhaps if people knew how it affected the ones they leave behind by their selfishness, they would reconsider. Maybe people would SEEK help from someone. Seek help from our Creator and Lord, God. Anyone!
God indeed works in mysterious ways.
My prayer is that God will provide for those who need Him. I thank God each day, for His promise that He would NEVER leave or forsake us!
I also pray that anyone who is thinking that suicide is the answer, is first brought to their knees to pray. SUICIDE has been the most terrible thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life. The words I've written here don't BEGIN to describe how terrible it all was!
God bless you all. Thank you for taking time to read this. I pray my story may help someone, somewhere, before they decide life is not worth the journey any longer.
=====
FOLLOW-UP Post to original post:
February 7, 2009 - Saturday
Who was Eddie to our family?
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Life
If you are reading this, you've probably already read the "suicide"
blog about Eddie. I just wanted to take time to really let you all
know who he was. As promised I'm writing this blog about Edward Carl Cender Jr., aka Eddie.
My kids knew him as "Uncle Eddie" because he would play games with them, draw them pictures, and make them laugh. My daughter took his suicide rather harshly, that is, after we finally told the kids. We didn't think it to be a good idea to tell them what really happened. So the morning after, we just told the kids that Eddie had moved back to Minnesota (during the middle of the night) to be with his mom for Christmas. At ages 9 & 10 though, they were more than curious to ask WHY he hadn't taken any of his personal belongings. Knowing that his brother & sister were going to come and get his things, we told them that he was going to send his family to get his stuff. Well, my daughter wrote him "love" letters every single day for about 2 months. She asked me to mail them for her. She wondered why he hadn't even called to check on them. I knew in my heart it was wrong to lie about where Eddie was, but when they would ask me, I kinda felt justified by just saying "I don't know honey". I really didn't know at that time, could be Heaven, could be Hell. All I knew for certain was that with every letter I was to supposedly "mail" to him, I got sicker and sicker. We decided to come clean, and tell them what Eddie had done. Like us, their first question was WHY? They were really upset. I had to really try to talk to them, not only about someone they loved dying, but the whole suicide thing. I don't think they had ever heard the word suicide before that. I told them that many many people do that and we just don't know why they don't try to get help beforehand. It was a long conversation. What may have bothered them more was the fact that we had not told them what really happened right away. We just told lies after the fact and misled them to think their letters were getting mailed, etc. They didn't even get to go to the memorial service. I had saved the pamphlets for them for when they "were older". God used my little ones to convict me right then. I thought I was "protecting" them from knowing, but all they saw was that mommy lied to them. I asked their forgiveness, and they gave it, under the conditions that I'd never lie to them again. My "babies" were growing up. I haven't lied to them since. I had them write letters to Eddie telling him how much they loved him and just how they felt about what he did. I told them they had to forgive him for it too. We took the letters and blew them up in balloons, and sent them soaring into the sky. At the same time, I told them that God already knew what was in their hearts and so did Eddie.
Eddie was my husbands best friend, had been for about 6 years. When he and his girlfriend had broken up (after 14 years), he moved in with us. We all had a great time. Eddie was ALWAYS the first one to offer his help with whatever needed to get done. Didn't matter how dirty or big the job was, he'd offer and do it with a smile. Prior to spring I always joked with him and told him I had a job for him to do. DIG my KOI pond, lol. He just laughed (because he knew I was really kidding), but inside I KNEW he was soooo glad it was winter and the ground was too hard, lol. He really didn't care much for the winter months (despite being from Minnesota), as he was slim built and got cold easily. We bought him his own portable heater for his room, even though his was the warmest in the house.
Talk about groceries for a minute. I'd call the house when I was close to getting home from the grocery store to line up my "carrying helpers". Eddie was ALWAYS the FIRST one out to load his arms, sometimes even carrying everything in himself. Never complained at all, never. My kids would complain and practically start fist fighting about it sometimes, LOLLOL, but not Eddie. He was such a great help around the house for me. I really miss our cleaning & arranging moments.
I really miss Eddie's smile. I think he was the first person I'd ever met that brushed their teeth like a million times a day. They were beautiful. He was very proud of the fact that he had never had a cavity. I loved it when he'd show the kids and tell them the importance of brushing and flossing. This may seem silly or trivial...I mean, remembering someone for this? But Eddie's teeth were very memorable and his smile was exceptionally radiant.
I can't really speak of how much my husband still misses his company to this day. We still talk about Eddie quite often. The "what-if's" and the "wonder-why's" always seem to creep in though, I guess they always will. I just know that my old man has lost a great friend and confidant. Eddie was one of the funniest people ever! I love to laugh and Eddie sure took advantage of that with me, and all of us. My husband has his own "play room", (lol, I know....) and they would both be in there for hours playing PS2. Madden football and laughter would iminate through the entire house. Hubby hasn't really played it since, says it's not the same.
I don't really know much about Eddie's childhood, as he grew up in Minnesota. I know that he was estranged from his family since moving to Ohio. It was hard when his brother and sister came to get his things. Eddie was a collector of various items, hot wheels for one, comic books for another. His collections were excellent in condition, not one missing. He had hung his hotwheels up on the walls of my son's room. There was hardly a blank place of wall left. As his family was packing everything up, they wanted to know what Eddie "was like" while living at our house. I told them that he was loving, kind, meek, humble, and extremely funny. Oh yeah, and Eddie was a "clean-freak", lol. I forgot to mention that. I warned him before he moved in about how the kids tend to leave messes behind them, etc. I told him that with all our animals and the fact that MOST of them were still young, they could make messes and tear up things. Hmph..he didn't believe me until afterwards, lol. I think a coffee cup left on the counter could drive him nuts! Sometimes, I'd do it on purpose and wait for him to put it away, then RUN in there and say...I caught ya! LOL We'd roll out and he'd apologize for "being" that way :) Just to hear him apologize one more time...in that MINNESOTA "TWANG" as I call it, would be wonderful. Here in Ohio, we say pop. In Minnesota, they say soda, go figure, lol. I never did get used to him asking for a "soda" (grin).
We certainly miss him greatly. We miss his Minnesota laughter, his sometimes weird Minnesota sense of humor, and his great smile. We miss his stories, his art drawings, and his kind heart. We miss seeing him wrestle with our boxer dogs and softly cuddling with our kitties. We miss our friend Eddie. We surely do.
This little blog barely portrays who Eddie was at all really. I just hope it helps explain the hurt and frustration I felt in my original blog. I was angry and confused that our friend was gone, especially in "that" manner. I didn't delete the original blog because I wanted everyone to know that I am by far NOT perfect, not even close. I was convicted to write this blog about Eddie, to let everyone know what kind of soul he was. It has been 14 months since then. I can honestly say that I'm not angry anymore. Hurt, but not angry. In my heart of hearts, I believe that God forgave Eddie for his actions, his sin. Why wouldn't He? His final act on this earth (his suicide) is really NO different that any other sin that we all commit on a daily basis. SIN IS SIN and makes God sick. But God is a loving, forgiving Father. I KNOW that when Eddie stood face to face in judgment, that God must have forgave him. I really do believe that.
We love Jesus, and we all loved Eddie. Eddie will continue to be missed dearly. R.I.P. Eddie, for I know you are resting in the arms of God.
Rocked by SUICIDE ~ my story of "that" night
I sing in a Christian rock band called Lest We Boast from Hamilton, Ohio. My name is Pam DeWitt. I am a Christian wife, mother, and volunteer. I love God with all my heart. It is only because of Him that I live. This is my story of suicide and how it has affected me.
After a 35 year old gentleman, Eddie (friend of my husband) that was staying with my family HUNG himself in our son's bedroom on 12/3/07, I found myself stuck in a little "rut" so to speak. He hung there dead, for approximately 14 hours before the coroner removed his body to the morgue. We were none the wiser, yet...
The kids and I were home, living, loving, and being "normal" for about 6 hours before I discovered his lifeless body, with the sheet over the closet door and his discolored, lifeless face. Thank GOD that he had not gotten any mail that day because my kids would have found him as they took the mail into his room. Talk about God protecting them from seeing him that way!
I also have to think about this...my husband was at work until 11:30pm, so what if Eddie wanted to go on a murderous killing spree before taking his own life? He easily could have killed me and my two children before himself. I mean, if he was in "that" kind of mindset anyway, who's to say? I look back and give God the thanks for His almighty protection over me and my children that night.
Needless to say, I was shocked to find him hanging there in the dark. Until that moment, the only time I'd seen a dead body was lying in a casket, not draped from a bed sheet strung over my closet door. It was quite unexpected. He was over 6' tall, so it was overwhelming to see, and I think for the first time in my life I was in actual shock. I really still to this day don't know HOW he even was able to do it, as you could easily touch the ceiling in there anyway. I didn't stand there and try to figure it out though, I just ran like I had never ran before. Ran outside. Stood there trying to think. Just waiting for anyone to tell me it wasn't for real.
We had been asleep when our boxer dogs woke me up, barking and going wild at someone outside in my yard, crying and screaming. I went out the front door to see what was going on, but could not see anyone. Having an uneasy feeling, I decided to go get him (Eddie), and ask him to go outside to "check it out" and see where the screaming was coming from.
The bedroom doorknob was turning, but the door was not opening. I called out for him and assumed he was sleeping since I got no reply. I forced the door open with my shoulder, only to see a butter knife fall from the door frame. He had jammed it there (I think) to keep anyone from entering the bedroom. Who knows. Anyway, I called his name in the darkness and walked towards the bed only to find it empty. As I turned to leave the room, there he was. The door seemed a million miles away at that moment. My feet felt like they were cemented to the floor, but my mind had already ran to California! I took off running after it finally SANK in that what I was seeing was indeed "REAL". I still heard a woman outside crying and screaming and my dogs were still barking and running from window to window. That was probably the FIRST time in 10 years that I had not even thought about my kids, honestly. It wasn't until I was outside, that I ran back in and up the steps to check on them. Whew, they were sound asleep, and still breathing. Breathing, thank God!
I ran back outside, and found that the "woman" had come around to my front porch now. It was Eddie's ex-girlfriend of 14 years (who he had recently broken up with). She had climbed into the bedroom window and found him dead before I did. She went absolutely nuts causing my dogs to go crazy.
SIGH.
Eddie had worked with my husband at one point, and we'd known him for 6 years. He had lived with us for almost 9 months as we were trying to help him out, get him off pot and focused towards his future, etc. I thought things were going great. Guess I thought wrong. I couldn't stop running things through my head, even as the coroner took him out in a slumped body bag.
It seemed like FOREVER until my husband made it home from work. I had called him at work to tell him as the police cars were pulling up to my house. Lights on, no sirens I remember. I suddenly met about 20 neighbors I had never even talked to before, as people gathered like a crowd at a rock concert in my front yard.
With Amanda (ex-girlfriend) still freaking out, the cops didn't know who to talk to first. It was all a blur. It was all UNREAL. My 1st house. My first witnessed suicide, in my 1st house. I wanted to move the next day and sell the house. I wanted to go to a hotel with my husband and kids that night. I just wanted to scream or cry, or something.
Cops asked me to secure my dogs. I tried, but they still barked, this time at the cops, lol. I had to take them outside to my van so the cops could walk-thru my house. They posted two cops at the bedroom door and window until the detectives arrived. They were NOT allowed to leave for any reason (to secure the crime scene). Certainly, they didn't think that we had anything to do with his death! All I could think about was Eddie still hanging in there. I could NOT get that image out of my mind. I was sick to my stomach. It took 2 1/2 hours for the detectives to arrive from this point. Luckily, my husband was home now, and we just held each other. I didn't cry yet. Shock will do that to a person I've since learned. All I could think about was trying not to shake so much, and remembering to breathe. Oh yeah, and trying to remember the answers to the questions everyone was drilling me with left and right. My brain was so numb. It was hard to think. All I could still think about was Eddie hanging in there, in my son's bedroom that he had let him use.
Thank God the detectives FINALLY came. Oh. Another "wait" now for the coroner? "How long would that be?" I asked one of the detectives. No answer. I was soooo sick to my stomach. Thank God my husband was more together than me. At least he kept going upstairs to check on the kids, making sure they didn't wake up to our "middle-of-the-night" tragedy and house guests.
2 more hours passed. I assumed the van pulling up was the coroner, and it was. They came outside to my van, where I was sitting, to tell me that Eddie WAS deceased. "Thank you" was all I could say, until they started to walk back into the house. I finally felt my mind starting to work a bit as what they just told me rang true. I mustered up a few pertinent questions for them as I summoned them back to my van. I remember my first question being WHY?! I don't know why I asked THEM. Afterall, they didn't even know Eddie. You can guess what their answer was. Still the same answer today as then, I DON'T KNOW WHY.
We found the last photo Eddie drew on top of my son's dresser. It was of the grim reaper. I wonder what he was thinking just before he decided to commit suicide? I wonder if he was scared or nervous at all. I wonder a lot of things, still to this day. Wonder if I should have shackled him and made him go to church. Wonder why he didn't come to my husband and I to just tell us he was depressed, scared, lonely, or WHATEVER! I wonder if he even took one second to think what my innocent little kids would do the next day, without "uncle Eddie" as they called him. I wonder if our help was enough, or anything at all. I wonder why God allowed that to happen in my house. Why did I have to be the one to see it, discover him there?! I wonder. Sigh :(
I smelled DEATH for 7 days after this happened. I cannot explain to anyone what "it" smells like, but unfortunately, I know it now. It was in my nose, my mind, on my clothes, my house, my van, the grocery store, and everywhere I went. No one else could smell it. No one else could smell anything out of the ordinary, but I could. For 7 days, I was bound by Satan, and able to smell anything but death. I could not smell anything else! It was like my nose just quit working. I could not smell perfume, room freshener, lysol, clorox, gasoline, or anything else. I tried. Desperately. It was not until Eddie's memorial service that I was able to smell "normally" again. I don't even remember the passage the pastor was reading when my nose finally opened and my normal smelling returned. All I remember was that I let out the loudest SHREIK from somewhere deep within my soul. I didn't even want to do that, the noise just came out. I think it was my spirit giving thanks to God for my smelling "freedom" back.
Knowing that ALL things work to the good according to God's purpose, I prayed and prayed, and prayed some more. Praying for guidance as to where my life should "go" after that unforgettable event.
My life if pretty simple in the fact that I don't put stock in material things, just love. God tells us in His word to store our treasures in Heaven and not on Earth, as those on Earth will pass away. That's what I try to teach my kids. Unfortunately now , I've also had to teach them about the reality of suicide.
My prayer is to bring awareness to this unfortunate suicide darkness. Perhaps if people knew how it affected the ones they leave behind by their selfishness, they would reconsider. Maybe people would SEEK help from someone. Seek help from our Creator and Lord, God. Anyone!
God indeed works in mysterious ways.
My prayer is that God will provide for those who need Him. I thank God each day, for His promise that He would NEVER leave or forsake us!
I also pray that anyone who is thinking that suicide is the answer, is first brought to their knees to pray. SUICIDE has been the most terrible thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life. The words I've written here don't BEGIN to describe how terrible it all was!
God bless you all. Thank you for taking time to read this. I pray my story may help someone, somewhere, before they decide life is not worth the journey any longer.
=====
FOLLOW-UP Post to original post:
February 7, 2009 - Saturday
Who was Eddie to our family?
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Life
If you are reading this, you've probably already read the "suicide"
blog about Eddie. I just wanted to take time to really let you all
know who he was. As promised I'm writing this blog about Edward Carl Cender Jr., aka Eddie.
My kids knew him as "Uncle Eddie" because he would play games with them, draw them pictures, and make them laugh. My daughter took his suicide rather harshly, that is, after we finally told the kids. We didn't think it to be a good idea to tell them what really happened. So the morning after, we just told the kids that Eddie had moved back to Minnesota (during the middle of the night) to be with his mom for Christmas. At ages 9 & 10 though, they were more than curious to ask WHY he hadn't taken any of his personal belongings. Knowing that his brother & sister were going to come and get his things, we told them that he was going to send his family to get his stuff. Well, my daughter wrote him "love" letters every single day for about 2 months. She asked me to mail them for her. She wondered why he hadn't even called to check on them. I knew in my heart it was wrong to lie about where Eddie was, but when they would ask me, I kinda felt justified by just saying "I don't know honey". I really didn't know at that time, could be Heaven, could be Hell. All I knew for certain was that with every letter I was to supposedly "mail" to him, I got sicker and sicker. We decided to come clean, and tell them what Eddie had done. Like us, their first question was WHY? They were really upset. I had to really try to talk to them, not only about someone they loved dying, but the whole suicide thing. I don't think they had ever heard the word suicide before that. I told them that many many people do that and we just don't know why they don't try to get help beforehand. It was a long conversation. What may have bothered them more was the fact that we had not told them what really happened right away. We just told lies after the fact and misled them to think their letters were getting mailed, etc. They didn't even get to go to the memorial service. I had saved the pamphlets for them for when they "were older". God used my little ones to convict me right then. I thought I was "protecting" them from knowing, but all they saw was that mommy lied to them. I asked their forgiveness, and they gave it, under the conditions that I'd never lie to them again. My "babies" were growing up. I haven't lied to them since. I had them write letters to Eddie telling him how much they loved him and just how they felt about what he did. I told them they had to forgive him for it too. We took the letters and blew them up in balloons, and sent them soaring into the sky. At the same time, I told them that God already knew what was in their hearts and so did Eddie.
Eddie was my husbands best friend, had been for about 6 years. When he and his girlfriend had broken up (after 14 years), he moved in with us. We all had a great time. Eddie was ALWAYS the first one to offer his help with whatever needed to get done. Didn't matter how dirty or big the job was, he'd offer and do it with a smile. Prior to spring I always joked with him and told him I had a job for him to do. DIG my KOI pond, lol. He just laughed (because he knew I was really kidding), but inside I KNEW he was soooo glad it was winter and the ground was too hard, lol. He really didn't care much for the winter months (despite being from Minnesota), as he was slim built and got cold easily. We bought him his own portable heater for his room, even though his was the warmest in the house.
Talk about groceries for a minute. I'd call the house when I was close to getting home from the grocery store to line up my "carrying helpers". Eddie was ALWAYS the FIRST one out to load his arms, sometimes even carrying everything in himself. Never complained at all, never. My kids would complain and practically start fist fighting about it sometimes, LOLLOL, but not Eddie. He was such a great help around the house for me. I really miss our cleaning & arranging moments.
I really miss Eddie's smile. I think he was the first person I'd ever met that brushed their teeth like a million times a day. They were beautiful. He was very proud of the fact that he had never had a cavity. I loved it when he'd show the kids and tell them the importance of brushing and flossing. This may seem silly or trivial...I mean, remembering someone for this? But Eddie's teeth were very memorable and his smile was exceptionally radiant.
I can't really speak of how much my husband still misses his company to this day. We still talk about Eddie quite often. The "what-if's" and the "wonder-why's" always seem to creep in though, I guess they always will. I just know that my old man has lost a great friend and confidant. Eddie was one of the funniest people ever! I love to laugh and Eddie sure took advantage of that with me, and all of us. My husband has his own "play room", (lol, I know....) and they would both be in there for hours playing PS2. Madden football and laughter would iminate through the entire house. Hubby hasn't really played it since, says it's not the same.
I don't really know much about Eddie's childhood, as he grew up in Minnesota. I know that he was estranged from his family since moving to Ohio. It was hard when his brother and sister came to get his things. Eddie was a collector of various items, hot wheels for one, comic books for another. His collections were excellent in condition, not one missing. He had hung his hotwheels up on the walls of my son's room. There was hardly a blank place of wall left. As his family was packing everything up, they wanted to know what Eddie "was like" while living at our house. I told them that he was loving, kind, meek, humble, and extremely funny. Oh yeah, and Eddie was a "clean-freak", lol. I forgot to mention that. I warned him before he moved in about how the kids tend to leave messes behind them, etc. I told him that with all our animals and the fact that MOST of them were still young, they could make messes and tear up things. Hmph..he didn't believe me until afterwards, lol. I think a coffee cup left on the counter could drive him nuts! Sometimes, I'd do it on purpose and wait for him to put it away, then RUN in there and say...I caught ya! LOL We'd roll out and he'd apologize for "being" that way :) Just to hear him apologize one more time...in that MINNESOTA "TWANG" as I call it, would be wonderful. Here in Ohio, we say pop. In Minnesota, they say soda, go figure, lol. I never did get used to him asking for a "soda" (grin).
We certainly miss him greatly. We miss his Minnesota laughter, his sometimes weird Minnesota sense of humor, and his great smile. We miss his stories, his art drawings, and his kind heart. We miss seeing him wrestle with our boxer dogs and softly cuddling with our kitties. We miss our friend Eddie. We surely do.
This little blog barely portrays who Eddie was at all really. I just hope it helps explain the hurt and frustration I felt in my original blog. I was angry and confused that our friend was gone, especially in "that" manner. I didn't delete the original blog because I wanted everyone to know that I am by far NOT perfect, not even close. I was convicted to write this blog about Eddie, to let everyone know what kind of soul he was. It has been 14 months since then. I can honestly say that I'm not angry anymore. Hurt, but not angry. In my heart of hearts, I believe that God forgave Eddie for his actions, his sin. Why wouldn't He? His final act on this earth (his suicide) is really NO different that any other sin that we all commit on a daily basis. SIN IS SIN and makes God sick. But God is a loving, forgiving Father. I KNOW that when Eddie stood face to face in judgment, that God must have forgave him. I really do believe that.
We love Jesus, and we all loved Eddie. Eddie will continue to be missed dearly. R.I.P. Eddie, for I know you are resting in the arms of God.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
New to Blogging
Well, I knew the time would come, especially since I love to talk. A blog. My blog. What in the world will I talk about, and more importantly, will anyone read it?
For those of you that know me personally, I won't have to tell you anything about me. You know my "ways" as it were. For those of you who only know me via the internet, well ... let's talk. (grin)
I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, and a cousin. I am an avid believer and follower of Jesus Christ and His word. I am extremely passionate about the injustices that happen to our children. I love animals. I have a huge broken heart for the missing children & adults in our world. My compassion level is off the charts which mostly only leads me to a heavy, broken heart at times.
My life philosophy is, if I have it and you need it, it's yours. I don't put much value in material things, but it is nice to have them (if they are within your means). I would much rather prefer to share a thought, opinion, a memory, or a hug with someone. I'd rather laugh, cry, hold hands, or scare the living daylights out of my best friend. (grin) My point being, people are more important than "things". I love shaping the minds of my children. I love giving them options and direction to their little lives. I like making them USE their minds. I teach them there are consequences to every choice in life they will make, so choose wisely and choose biblically.
I am the oldest of 5 children (my mother was blessed with 2 sets of twins and me). I think you learn different things when you're the oldest, which is great. I was born a leader with a voice. Not only a singing voice, but an opinion. About what you ask? Well, anything really. I don't force my opinions on people, I just offer them up like a plate of food to a hungry person. It's their choice if they want it. (smile)
I've been blessed to have been in some low places in my life. Blessed?! Yup. See, if I hadn't have gone through all the "downs" in my life, all the hard times, I may not be here writing this today. God has strengthened me, and has brought me through many a wilderness and trials. Now, I can testify to all about the magnitude of His word, His promises, and His truth. I live because of Him. I testify because I love Him. There is no measure of thanks I can give Him except my love, and willingness to live for Him, therefore I do.
I may never have a million readers. I may only have one (ty 1st Assembly of God). What is important is that I am sharing. Myself. The Word of God. My gigs. My life. My gratitude and my love.
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